Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
