You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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