Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
