Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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