just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
