why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
