Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
