This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
