After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
