i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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