i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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