I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
