need another drink. this is the easiest way
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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