You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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