She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
false alarm. still invincible.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
