I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
