Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
