I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm too high and old for this...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
