Your face is a jimmy john
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
