upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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