Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
