I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
