I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
