I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
