From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
