i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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