So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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