no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
