guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
