I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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