look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
