New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
