kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
