you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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