I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I AM VODKA MAN
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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