dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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