Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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