dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
