Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
