Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
this hospital has no fireball
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
