Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
