I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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