You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
