Say something about gay babies.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
