Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
