I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
