life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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