I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
