I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
