true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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